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Writer's pictureSydalg
Nov 5

1500 years of fake news from NB archives



5th century. Romans leave Britain after getting letter from Anglo-Saxons saying "It's our turn now".



878 AD. Celebrity British Bake Off a disaster as King Alfred burns cakes.



1066. Sale of alcohol banned on Normandy ferries after major outbreak of violence at Hastings.



1483. Future Richard III spotted tidying up guest room in Tower for "nephews staying over".



1536. First recorded acid attack. Henry VIII dissolves marriage, wife.



1688. William of Orange gets so stoned during weekend in Amsterdam he thinks he's king of England and sets off to claim throne.



1714. George I crowned. Britain resumes ancient tradition of picking monarchs who show up in a boat and can't speak English.



1820. Duke of Wellington runs amok with assault flintlock in House of Lords, killing 12. Blames PTSD, "Waterloo flashbacks".



1918. Needing time "to digest all that war poetry", Britain takes 21-year break from fighting Germany.





Writer's pictureLockjaw
Nov 1

Horoscopes for November 2024 by U Wat Nau



Aries


Confusion over baklava and balaclava may lead to breathlessness, an irritating rash and possible animal cruelty charges. Avoid Tall Carole from Accounts, the North Circular and fish containing vowels. Limit your cusping to built-up areas on weekday afternoons between 4 and 6.


Taurus


You will learn that what you thought was an affectionate nickname for you from your colleagues, turns out to mean 'shit-for-brains' in their language.


Gemini


Congratulations, Gemini. You share your star sign with Donald Trump, Peter Sutcliffe, Boris Johnson, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Like them, you are downright forthright, not bright and alt-right. People who get in your way should Watch Out! This month Mars is descending (half price at Asda), so it’s time to stock up. Your friends are always keen to be with you, but maybe it’s just for the chocolate bars.


Cancer


I see the bad moon a-risin'. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight. Well it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. So don't make long-term plans, ok ?


Leo


A stunning win on the lottery, orgasmic sex with a hottie, and a loss of 18 lbs despite a month of supreme culinary delights and exquisite feasting.


Virgo


The number '7' will become prominent in the next few days, possibly in combination with king prawns.


Libra


You will go on a long journey with no apparent end in sight, but that's Northern Rail for you.


Scorpio


The firmanent is in tumult. It's laughing its proverbial tits off over what happens to you this month. Don't worry. It all works out well for you ... eventually.


Sagittarius


The stars predict that you are entering a period of great upheaval and distress. Did the name "Filthy Al's Dirty Kebabs" not hint at the risk you were taking last night?


Capricorn


Whilst out metal detectoring you will unearth a hoard of coins and bones in an amphora. A later translation of the inscription on it will read 'death to they who disturb my rest'. Ah well; you win some, you lose some.


Aquarius


Your stone for this month is gravel. Don't ask me why. Best not to.


Pisces


The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”




Contributions from



FlashArry: Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius


deskpilot: Gemini


Sinnick: Cancer, Pisces


SteveB: Leo


Writer's pictureThrongsman
Oct 31

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month October 2024




Deskpilot has stormed the table again, but thanks to Wren's rule he can't win WOTM two months on the bounce so Doctor Chutney (on an impressive 40 points) takes the crown this month.


Cartoon of the month is below the leaderboard and the full list of headlines (140!) are posted below.





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay





Chipchase




Deskpilot












Doctor Chutney















eppursimuove













humperscrump



ian searle



James_doc






jeremynh



Lockjaw




mcdabble




Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker





Robowurzel



scribbles



Sir Lupus



SteveB






Stewartbarclay






Sydalg



tacitus





Throngsman





Titus



Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe













Headlines


Adrian Bamforth      

      

Church opposes assisted dying, except for Jesus


apepper             


Are you wasting your time online? Take our quiz to find out

Lettuce makes late bid for Tory leadership


bigbadbob         


After brain surgery bear with a sore head is not out of the woods

Boxer knocked out in final round is a sore loser


billclay 


ICC rules selling Mince Pies with an October Sell By Date a war crime


Deskpilot           


After attacking UN, Israel to start stomping on kittens

Australian protester to be tried in kangaroo court

Bankrupt french accordion maker feels the squeeze

Barefoot man finally realises Socktober is not a thing

Batik experts argue against assisted dyeing

Burning rubbish overtakes politics as dirtiest form of power

Charity regrets its slogan 'Let's help bone cancer patients'

Cleverly claims election was stolen from him

Dog mess remover illegally claimed Jobseekers Allowance

Gen Z and Gen Alpha reject GenRick

General Dental Council criticised as 'toothless'

Grateful nation thanks Laura Kuenssberg for getting That Interview cancelled

Horological thief told to put the clocks back

I gave my girl a digital watch. Her face lit up

Jeremy Clarkson nearly bought the farm

No tax rises - but bus fares just went up by 50%

Pelican buyer didn't expect such an enormous bill

Sewing Bee contestant claims it's a stitch up

Singing polisher waxes lyrical

Special episode of Little Britain to feature Badenoch & Jenrick

Today's Tory leaders race event: eating a bacon sandwich

Tory conference: Rishi gives a short speech

Tory party to vote in favour of assisted dying

Town Crier finds his calling

Unsuccessful wedding goes off without a hitch


Doctor Chutney


Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen

Earthquake science on shaky ground

Labour MP promotes winter jabs

Local selling Cuban food, drink and cigars becomes Castro pub

Millions still without power in Russia

Rebekah Vardy says "Best of five?"

Tugendhat's out of the ring

UK sperm still mostly produced by hand


dominic_mcg    


Not my King! But I like the look of those sausages!

Starmer: I won't raise taxes for working people... but Rachel will...


eppursimuove   


American storm alert upgraded to “Whoa, dude”

Shock as Scottish man lives to 69


Granger 

            

For you, Tommy, ze war is just starting, says Lampard

I ain't done with those bits yet, says Kentucky 'Lararus'

Speech free, for all who agree with me, says Musk


Hokeyloki     

     

US Election: both parties concerned about floating voters in Florida


ian searle       

   

BBC apologises to Davros for his treatment by Dr. Who

Inventor of the rotisserie is turning in their grave

Tory party rethink support for Israel after they start bombing banks


jim Skinz   

         

Elderly nuns to star in action movie Old Habits Die Hard

Had Haigh been on the whisky?

Have I Shot News For You

Keyboard-maker praised for putting in a shift

New Book on the history of Crisps reviewed: There's not much in it

Prisoner with premature-ejaculation qualifies for Early Release Scheme

Shifty Aides of Gray


Joe       


Red tape scrapped. It’s all CD’s now

Storm blown out of proportion


leeboy007    

     

Classic 60's spy movie gets vegetarian remake - The Eat Cress File


Lockjaw


Cheddar thieves are currently gorging themselves

Retired ventriloquist still likes to keep his hand in

Sooty and Sue have an open marriage. No strings attached

Strictly sponsored by Go Compare

Who is Amber Warnings, and what has she got against Britain?


mcdabble         

 

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

Giant pumpkin arrested for stalking

Harris challenges Trump to an IQ test

Makers of obesity drug expect fat profit

'Not worth doin a crime any more' says homeless man, 'You're out in no time'

Smart TV refuses to show Love Island


Micca   


Illegal Peruvian immigrant discovered in London station is handed UK passport


Modelmaker    

 

Invitation to Tory reunion party. Bring your own boos

Kris Kristofferson doesn't make it through the night

Kwikipedia: A comprehensive guide to the world's red light districts

Only one direction for Liam Payne after balcony fall

With Tugendhat gone, Badenoch and Jenrick team up to box Cleverly


MrQ     


All of Starmer's decisions so far described as complete no-brainers

Builder gets spanner lodged in throat after downing tools

Convict thrown from van on way to prison in record breaking early release

Interest rates drop to 0%... In Tory leadership race

Local dog-sitter flattened hundreds of pups

Man with a chip on his shoulder attacked by seagulls

Pickpocket claims he was crowdfunded

Reeves sets up GoFundMe page

Sadistic cult hold an open Mike night

Thousands expected to attend march against marches

Thousands of kids with special knees may have been mis-diagnosed

Toddler claims front crawl title

Trapeze artist sick of drawing the same thing

Trump vows to protect women whether they like it or not

UK's leading ologist has no idea what he specialises in

Woman who wants to have her cake and eat it buys two cakes

Woman with ladder in her tights nicked for shoplifting in B&Q


Not Titus    

       

Peace keeping - what's that? asks Netanyahu


Scribbles      

      

Amnesiac can’t remember what his hobby is, but campanologist rings a bell

Archaeologist's career is in ruins

At the World Invisibility Championship, there was only one clear winner

Comedian admitted to hospital after a funny turn

Could Matthew Perry’s doctor BE any more guilty?

Cow complains of sexual assault. Police believe local vet may have had a hand in it.

Criminal with Velcro flies says he fears getting caught by the fuzz

Cutting OAP’s heating allowance was 'green initiative to reduce carbon emissions', says Starmer

Explorer who visited North and South Pole is diagnosed as bipolar

Flamboyant waistcoat maker says his designs go over the top

Gay man who caught elasticated braces on closet door came out 57 times

GP who diagnoses based on 1st letter of patient’s name says it’s only an initial assessment

Man enters 11th hour of 5-minute DIY task

Man says working as a carpet fitter brought him to his knees

Man who ‘always goes the extra mile’ sacked from taxi driver job

Man who fights fire with fire sacked from the Fire Service

Man who slept with baby goats charged with kidnapping

Onanist arrested after coming under police scrutiny

Onanist gardener says his hobby is coming up roses

Onanist MP says he often comes up against members of the opposition

Printer admits it hasn’t run out of ink, it’s just taking the p!ss

Reports of gang of elderly men repairing shoes turned out to be a load of old cobblers

Scientists combine Viagra with Mr Sheen, for men who want to rise and shine

Sexually frustrated baker was fired for using his loaf

Shock as medical procedure reveals Jeremy Clarkson has a heart

Shock as Mrs Brown’s Boys star attempts comedy

Woman can’t decide between holiday in Monaco, or a boob job. Monte-Carlo or bust?


Sketchly        

     

Alex Salmond’s body has returned to Glasgow ahead of a private battering

Matchstick makers petition for right to strike

Referee blacklisted by FA for whistle-blowing

Russia fines Google ALL of the money

Strange drone over the Pentagon revealed to be a broadcast of Keir Starmer’s speech

Trump already demanding a recount and a second election

Where to look to see the comet passing by for the first time in 800,000 years. Up


SteveB 


An eye for an eye, a tooth for 11,000 children

Flannelling world champion throws in the towel

Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar accidentally killed during military campaign against Gazan children

'I would bite King Charles' hand off' says sausage lover

London Eye 'on the blink'

Mount Everest loses 1 foot in 1 day

New Chelsea formation includes two players pre-sent-off

Think tank accused of Thoughtcrime


Titus     


Hawk-Eye to replace line judges? You can NOT be serious!!

New fiscal rules - debt isn't debt, if you're a Labour government

Tory party lumbered with choice between two Liz-Truss-calibre leadership candidates



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