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The News before it happens

BBC to make low-cost docudrama about Trump Panorama

'It's what the BBC does best, making low-cost docudramas about real events,' said a BBC spokesman today. 'With worldwide syndication costs expected to bring in about $5 Billion and production costs estimated at about thirty quid then the Beeb breaks even if it loses, launches another radio station if it wins,' he added. 'Or can afford to keep paying Kuenssberg her salary for another year'. The docudrama is expected to include real footage from the Trump statement it edited

Throngsman

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

The House of Commons has rebuked China for offering them pretend sex and money instead of legitimate sex and money. Said one Minister. 'If I'm going to be embroiled in a scandal, I don't want it be a fake sex trafficked teenager, I want the real thing.' MI5 warned that politicians could be coerced into giving away the nation's secrets, instead of selling them off to the first lobbyist they see. 'China has muddied the waters, by corrupting our already corrupt MPs, meaning our

Wrenfoe

Spectacular Irony fail as resale sites fume over clampdown on their grossly inflated ticket prices

The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one. Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How

Chipchase

Trump to release Epstein files after Game of Thrones

The President has been accused of delaying incriminating evidence by tying it to George.R.R.Martin's work rate. A spokeswoman clarified. 'Nonsense, the President has every confidence George will release the final books. He wants to put all the dodgy sex behind him, although George wrote it like that.' Much like the books, Trump is hoping the files have an anticlimactic ending - preferably without him climaxing. HBO are said to be interested in the files but are concerned that

Wrenfoe

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 21st November

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

Paulie and Ginger Dick were Desperately Trying to Make Knee-Hats a Thing.

Winner: FlashArry Runners-Up: "Liverpool supporter decides punching himself in the face better than watching the footie." (Sinnick); "Chuck was wearing his meaningful look that no one knew the meaning of." (TonyMc)

Reeves Unveils Budget Strategy.

Winner: SirLupus Runners-Up: "At the White Supremacist Bingo Hall, everyone loved Lucky Heather." (Midfield Diamond); "Helen's habit of punching everyone who took a card was beginning to annoy the regulars." (FlashArry)

Breaking News

Study into thin air vanishes

Yantar was just having a disco light show, says Russia

Andrew to be stripped of the title Mister

First kiss 21m years ago: Keith Richards denies involvement

Trump considering name change: Damien 666

Crown Prince gives Trump advice on dealing with journalists

Mahmood: 'obviously we will deport the Brown ones first'

Study finds fear of oversleeping is keeping Britons awake at night

Features

NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

November 2024 November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since. Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Cartoons

OUT NEXT WEEK: New board game from HMG

You need a chemistry degree these days to know what you're eating

Trump releases the Epstein files

The surprising history of the Polaroid camera

From the Archive

Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants

With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of...

Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab

The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin...

'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.

Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid....

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Politics

MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

Reform deny reaction to Nathan Gill sentencing will include interpretive dance

'Our response to the sentencing of Nathan Gill, who despite being the last leader of Reform in Wales and a prominent MEP for the Brexit Party and, previously, a prominent MEP for UKIP is provisionally - who?' said a frog-faced spokesleader of Reform who declined to be named. 'The suggestion that we will respond using interpretive dance or any other woke artform is insulting,' said the un-named leader of the parties that Nathan Gill represented at a high level whilst being app

Plan to award medals for going to work

After successive admirations made it impossible to educate children with innate vocational skills to get on in life, other than to join the armed forces and be shouted and shot at, the government is wondering whether a scheme to entice youngsters to get off their arses and get a medal for everyday they turn up to work, will be advantageous to the economy. The scheme is based on observations youngsters with excellent academic abilities who did well at school, went to universit

Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month. Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards. Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future o

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming

The UK Gammon Index (UKGI) is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI. Gammonati are said to be purple in the face with rage.

Highest ever delivery figures achieved by Amazon Crime

Oi, Bezos! Paid any tax lately?

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police. "That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was. "We can be