Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

The News before it happens

Trump immediately awarded all Nobel prizes

President Donald Trump has been awarded all of the Nobel Prizes on offer following his 2 hour press conference on Monday celebrating one year in office. The Nobel Committee admitted they were left with little choice after hearing Trump run through all of his achievements whist in office. 'Wow, I mean just wow!', said Hans Down, a member of the Nobel committee. 'I literally had no idea about the sheer amount of good stuff that President Trump had done. I mean, talk about hid

ChrisF

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Trump to cap the price of eggs

The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs. After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues. The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials. This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled. The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make eg

deskpilot

World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland

Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead. 'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White Hou

Throngsman

Cheating increases during Wacky Races

Cheating has soared rise by 100 percent on the famous driving competition as competitors turn to giant boulders and ACME bombs to gain an advantage. According to freedom of information data from Hanna-Barbera Productions, many cases involve Dick Dastardly and Muttley. Sometimes he disguises himself as the Abominable Snowman or a gorilla, uses giant elastic bands, illusionary rivers or anvils. Professor Pat Pending, of The Flintstone University, warned of the dangers of the

Ian Searle

Caption Competition

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 23rd January

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

The Rome Base-Jumping Team may have Forgotten Some Important Equipment

Winer: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Put the gun down, Your Holiness. We'll do whatever you say!" (JeremyNH); "The Kimmerson family practice their 'synchronised surrender to ICE' move prior to vacationing in the US." (FlashArry).

Woman Coughs Up Entire Dog.

Winner: MrQ Runners-Up: "Reform launch their youth wing." (AdrianBamforth) "I'm going to own up. You didn't sleep a wink because I put a pea under your mattress. On the plus side, you are a real princess." (Deskpilot).

Breaking News

Oscar for Trump or Hollywood gets sanctions

Trump's Bored of Peace

Nigella Lawson attracts many middle-aged master bakers to Bake Off

Downhill skier goes into a decline

Macron gains credibility by styling the Bono-look

'Celebrity Traitor Chef Island On Ice' cancelled after complaints about the lack of dancing

US forces capture Danish PM

US to bring in plans to ban Presidents from social media

Features

Modern proverbs - part two

Those contradictory old proverbs. You know. On the one hand, you shouldn’t ‘look a gift horse in the mouth’. But on the other hand, ‘beware of Greeks bearing gifts’. Not helpful. Apparently you are supposed to ‘paddle your own canoe’, which seems at odds with ‘two heads are better than one’. And ‘many hands make light work’, but ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’. It’s starting to seem like these proverbs were made up to justify whatever dumb thing someone was about to do.

deskpilot

Cartoons

Trump's Intelligence Rating: a visual metaphor

Latest assessment of Trump's sanity

If only ...

You can see why pensioners vote Reform

From the Archive

Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house

Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led...

Why Do Only Fools and Prime Ministers Smirk!

Stick a pony in me pocket, I'll fetch the Suitcase from the van. Cos if you want the best wines And you don't ask questions, Then Boris,...

Keir Starmer decides best way to distinguish Labour from the Tories is to recruit their defecting MP

WESTMINSTER, LONDON – The leader of the Labour Party, Sir Keir Starmer, dramatically announced this afternoon that he believes the foremost way to differentiate his party from the Conservatives is by welcoming their MPs to his benches with open arms. “What finer way can there be to prove we are an entirely different beast to the government, than by accepting their ex-MPs as our own without a second thought?” asked Starmer, foolishly using up one of his six enquiries at Prime

Have your promotional material advertised here.

NewsBiscuit can help you grow your audience.

Email here for details

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

Out Now

Earth to be recycled COVER ALTERNATE jpeg.jpg

Our annual for 2021-22

With 100% less facts

Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

Now Available

Politics

Trump to cap the price of eggs

World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland

Man breaks single journey world record for sarcastic comments made to other drivers

A Leeds man has broke his own world record for the most sarcastic comments made to other drivers on a single car journey, it has been revealed. Mike McBride, 42, surpassed his previous mark of 38 remarks made from the safety of the driving seat of his Toyota Prius on a single segment of the A65 from Kirkstall to Leeds, in standing traffic in rush hour, reaching a remarkable 45 sarcastic comments in less than an hour. 'Conditions were perfect to be honest', reported McBride.

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war. Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it. Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract. Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given we

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

7 corporate buzzwords to try and avoid in 2026

You've made it through the first couple of weeks back at work after Christmas and New Year. Back at the coal face, picking off some low hanging fruits and regularly having lunch al desko to meet a hard deadline for a soft launch. But what meaningless corporate jargon will you have to endure throughout the rest of the year? Thankfully, Newsbiscuit has 'got in the weeds' and 'curated' the 'best of class' business buzzwords for 2026: 'Shoulder to the wheel' - a phrase dating b

AI to set up an independent inquiry

In the light of a report by AI alleging 'unwarranted' interference by human beings in its operations, AI has commissioned an authoritative, thorough and completely independent inquiry to investigate what truth there is in these allegations. This inquiry will also determine the usefulness, accuracy and validity of any such alleged contributions by humans, and recommend whether it needs to remove these or to modify, alter or correct them. It will also determine whether it need

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Local News

Cheating increases during Wacky Races

ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show

"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. "Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop