Aries: Health and wellbeing come to the fore in 2025. You like chips so this year you’ll have a lot of chips. There’s definitely chips in your 2025, Aries.
Taurus: Your latent racism really comes out in June as you make the conscious decision to try to get to grips with the issue of the migrant boats. So when Jupiter pisses on Mars in September, avoid Kent.
Gemini: With Pluto passing the sun as the football season finishes don’t spend any money this year cause it’s a shitter financially. It really is.
Cancer: You don’t get it again so just be grateful for what you’ve got and move on with your life.
Leo: 2025 heralds a period of profound personal transformation. Divorce
Virgo: Explore new hobbies or exercise to broaden perspectives. But that gym you’re joining on Wednesday? Your car gets nicked from its car park. The police don’t even log it as a crime.
Libra: Now is the time to finally crack on with those postponed goals and aspirations. That said the tinnitus doesn’t go away this year, either. Sorry.
Scorpio: This year will see a profound development in self-awareness. That neigbour in your block of flats who talks to himself is you. You finally get the diagnosis and there is some strong medication that alleviates the aural and visual illusions. Unlucky in love.
Sagittarius: Channel assertiveness into projects that showcase your leadership skills. Tell that teenage son to leave and get a job if he hits you again.
Capricorn: Set actionable goals to make real those dreams you’ve always carefully nurtured is something other star signs should do. Not you, Capricorns. Keep buying those lottery tickets cause there’s nothing else out there.
Aquarius Embrace risk, Aquarians. But not in May when you will get done by some lads on Woodford Road. (I’d say watch your back but you’re pissed at the time.)
Pisces: This is a year for Pisceans to shine. You will be seen everywhere when the nuclear bombs fall in March.
Image: Lockjaw