Aries
Leo is in your house - according to his ankle tracker
Taurus
Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.
Gemini
The moon will have a significant effect on you this moooooooo ahhoooooooollll
Cancer
The fish slice is in the blue coolbag, along with Aunt Nollie's spare teeth, half a jar of marmite and a red rubber pterydactyl. This is what happens when you let four-year-olds pack a picnic.
Leo
5,610,833 people will have exactly the same experiences as you this month
Virgo
The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettyfogging life this month.
Libra
Your late Auntie Mary wants to contact you through the medium of, er, medium
Scorpio
Avoid junction 9 on the M40, it's absolute rubbish right now.
Sagittarius
Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.
Capricorn
You can go to space if you want to but have you been to you yet?
Aquarius
Seeing your wife's moon in ascendance tomorrow morning gives you a new lease of life and you decide to cancel filing those divorce papers.
Pisces
The Moon and Uranus exert an influence on you this month. In that you will be flashing your backside to a coach full of rival football fans.
Hat tips to:
Deskpilot
FlashArry
JoBo
Simonjjames
Sinnick
SteveB
Sydalg
Throngsman