Aries
Your sign has recently been taken over by Virgin Media : as such, you can initially expect extremely positive readings at competitive prices. But beware ! The service cost will slowly creep up, the quality of prescience will drop and you will end up being treated like sh*t, the same as the rest of us.
Taurus
What with your dream catchers and crystals, you must think you are a medium. I have to tell you that you are still an Xtra Large.
Gemini
Ask the burning question you've always wanted to ask. No matter where you are, now is the time. Unless you are in primary school as no time is the right time.
Cancer
The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettifogging life this month.
Leo
The phrase "pull yourself together" will have greater poignancy for you after a little mishap next week. Best to carry a large tube of superglue with you at all times.
Virgo
The old adage has it that if the world gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, what you might do with a ton of well-rotted pig sh*t is a bit of a mystery : some sort of "mineral mud" skin treatment ? If so, please ensure you are wa-a-ay downwind of me.
Libra
All of the other star signs are jealous of you.
Scorpio
Scorpions will defect en masse to Oscar Cainer in the Daily Maily because I don't flatter them with nicer predictions. Go on, see if I care.
Sagittarius
Thank you for your request. Our team is working really, really hard on your forecast, without sleep day or night, so hard in fact that our balls are on fire. Literally. Sorry, what was the question again?
Capricorn
While cleaning the interior of your pride and joy yellow Ford Capri from 1974, you discover a disgusting example of foot skin dropoff. Do not be tempted to lick it.
Aquarius
Your rushing about will create a tear in the spacetime continuum, resulting in you actually meeting yourself coming back.
Pisces
Nope. You can tell yourself what you like. Stop it. It's gross.
Contributions from:
FlashArry : Aries, Virgo,
simonjjames : Gemini, Pisces
SteveB : Capricorn, Libra
sydalg : Scorpio
Sinnick : Sagittarius
Image by gabschgarella from Pixabay