Aries
Aries, Mars has just entered you. Dirty sod!
Taurus
Pluto will be in the third house on Sunday. He'll scoff the neighbour's roast, resulting in a certain froideur between your households for the next few weeks.
Gemini
Your chart shows you to be venal, self-serving and self-obsessed, with little consideration, compassion or empathy for your fellow man. Whilst this would mark your card for most jobs, have you tried contacting the Conservative Party and asking about their 'Fast Track for Future Leaders' scheme ?
Cancer
With Orion cusping in your quadrant - and boy, can that constellation cusp - you may be more prone to accidents over the next week. You will be thankful for that kevlar beanie and underpants set we suggested you buy last month. You didn't ? Ooops !
Leo
If I were you, I'd skip straight to September
Virgo
You will be presented with the chance to win a fortune playing baccarat, having an affair with a glamour model, and take a trip into space. However, you won’t take it. Just stick with the same old, same old.
Libra
You will move out of your current address and take up residence in a Salvador Dalí painting. Your food will turn into bird skeletons and your clocks will melt like toffee. You will think you can escape, but you can't - this isn't "I'm a Celebrity".
Scorpio
This evening, you will be stung several times by a rather angry scorpion, and die a slow and excruciatingly painful death
Sagittarius
This afternoon, you will be killed by an arrow shot by a half-horse, half-man who happens to be naked. Ha, beat that, Scorpio!
Capricorn
While impaling slugs with a trident, the love of your life also invents aerated footwear and you immediately begin a life of palatial luxury together in a mansion called Skechers de la Mouche. But your children turn out ugly as f&*k.
Aquarius
If you see a black cat climbing a ladder, start running
Pisces
Apparently, you need to avoid Marmite this month. It’s not clear why.
Contributors
Sinnick: Aries, Leo
simonjjames: Scorpio and Sagittarius
FlashArry: Gemini, Cancer
sydalg: Libra
Image: Lockjaw
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