News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.
Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.
‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’
‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.
‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.