White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as she is causing ‘a disturbing lack of productivity’.

‘She should hit the spot’, a spokesman told reporters. He has asked to remain anonymous. Well you would, wouldn’t you? ‘She’s got all the right bits – she’s young, blonde, obviously not too bright – but try as we might, nobody’s managed to crack one out yet. Could it be . . . no . . . surely not . . . could it be that we’re actually not that shallow?’

Scientists are equally baffled. Professor Barrett is a sexologist. Yes, that’s a real job. ‘Usually it doesn’t even need to be a real woman. A cartoon figure, a dangling stiletto, the suggestion of a nipple intruding on stretched fabric . . . . excuse me’.

After a while he returned. ‘Where was I? Oh yes – it’s the male superpower. We’ve never encountered anything vaguely humanlike which can’t be used as . . . supporting material. Even Ann Widdecombe could be used in an emergency – we’re talking zombie apocalypse level situations, and suicide might be the preferred option – but Leavitt is something else.

We asked Ann Widdecombe for comment but she was busy setting up an Only Fans page.

image from pixabay