Acronyms help detect issues and enhance responsiveness; as in F.A.S.T. for stroke diagnosis. But what if your mate is about to throw up in the pub? Remember: B.A.B.Y.
B is for Back
Once you hear the, ‘Oooh, I feel a bit dodgy’ distress signal, check for signs of facial pastiness and spontaneous salivation. Your mate might have been lame and sneakily ordered a lager top, so It could just be fizzy pop wind. Patting his back as though a child needing burping will determine the outcome very quickly.
A is for Aim
If slapping the back didn’t generate a comical foghorn belch, then It’s definitely puke. Point your mate away from your pint and new trainers, and preferably towards something that won’t cost £200 to restore. If he’s still upright, he can run. Sprint towards the pub door, a corridor of empathy will magically open up allowing a swift exit.
B is for Bucket
Quickly find a receptacle with an interior volume greater than your mate’s thimble-sized stomach. A handbag is good, a hood is acceptable, a sink or grid is even better. At this point support statements, such as: ‘Better out than in’, ‘You’ve had a bad pint’, and ‘It’s not like you’ - even though it is, should be encouraged as an aid to self-esteem recovery. Well-wishers and bystanders having witnessed the gastro cascade may offer help, tell them thanks, but you’re fine.
Y is for Your round
Wasting good beer is a crime. As recompense the next round after emptying their ale sac, is always the thrower’s. Be mindful that your mate may be experiencing a fleeting false sense of insecurity, and may try to ‘back-door it’. A subtle reminder that it’s only 7:30pm and he doesn’t want social media to be involved, should reaffirm his commitment to the evening.
Next week:
If a fist is about to strike, remember: B.L.O.U.S.E.