The Dresden Sinfoniker have unveiled the latest addition to their ensemble, Maria, a three-armed robotic conductor that keeps perfect time across multiple time signatures and thus increases the pretentiousness of Classical Music to hitherto unexplored levels.
Lead conductor Dada Dadum welcomed the increased ostentatiousness offered by Maria, 'I'm delighted we can now compose music so complicated that it only sounds tuneful to a trained ear, meaning classical music is pushed further away from the hoi polloi, as it should be, but this is merely a tool in the orchestral toolbox. In much the same way the baton became preferred to the conducting staff, there will be cases Maria will be chosen over me; initially for music impossible for a human to conduct, but also when the restraining orders against me must be enforced. For now, a Brahams, Beethoven or Mendelssohn still needs that human touch. Though should Maria ever develop a soul and put my job at risk, then much like Jean-Baptiste Lully, who died from gangrene after stabbing his foot with his staff, Maria can simply be undone by a well-timed bucket of water.'
Inside the concert hall, the musicians were delighted with the innovation. 'We here at the Zentrum der Künste are delighted with our new addition and how far we can now look down our noses at non-aficionados of culture.'
Said Oud Tojoi, principal violinist for the orchestra. 'The pieces created specifically for her to conduct are so complicated we're having to look for musicians with six fingers. We've asked members of the company to consider surgery, but we're also looking within the finest conservatoires of Norfolk. Overall, Maria is the perfect conductor: cold, impeccable, and doesn't try to sleep with the flautists.'