Following the success of the modern pentathlon, the IOC has decided to introduce the “British pentathlon”, designed to test athletes for the skills required to live in modern Britain.
To begin with, they have to officially submit their application to take part, when every source they consult gives them different information about what paperwork is needed and where to send it.
Those who manage this will then be required to travel from one randomly chosen British city to another by rail, without advance knowledge of which services are on strike, down for essential maintenance or not running just because they don’t feel like it.
Those who make it will next be required to swim a mile in a British river or lake without becoming ill.
In the fourth event, they have to work out which tariff from which energy supplier would be most economical for a two bedroom flat in Walthamstow. Extra points will be awarded for calling the supplier and managing to speak to an actual human being in less than ten minutes.
Finally, they have to drive a car into central London without forgetting any of the congestion, ULEZ or tunnel charges they’re supposed to pay, or being caught by any bus lane cameras, red light cameras, box junction cameras or speed cameras set to ridiculously low speeds. On arrival, they have to find somewhere to park that doesn’t require a mortgage.
In the event of a draw, competitors will be required to get a holiday insurance company to pay out a claim, an event considered too hard to be part of the usual five.
”Anyone who manages to succeed at all these events should be able to live in modern Britain,” said an IOC spokesman today. “But will probably choose not to.”
Asked whether British athletes wouldn’t inevitably have an advantage because they’re used to these conditions, the spokesman said this was cancelled out by the difficulty they’d have in getting to the venue in the first place.