Everyone is in complete agreement that the Government’s flagship welfare system is an unrivalled success and not a ‘multitudinous f$ck-knot’. It has broken all previous efficiency records previously held by Southern Rail and the Chuckle Brothers, while promising to be just a popular as Hepatitis C.
So attractive is this payment system that many of the public have chosen to forego their zero-hour job for the joys of rough-sleeping and the taste of rat. Said one claimant: ‘I just don’t know what to do with all this extra cash - refuel my Lear Jet or buy another Rolex? It’s amazing how far 73p a week will stretch.’
Other claimants attest to receiving windfall payments of up two to three pounds and ‘all the turnips they can carry’. Historians are already saying that this is Britain’s greatest achievement alongside the Great Fire of London and the birth of James Corden.
Even to the most cynical, Universal Credit is as auspicious as filling the Hindenburg with hydrogen, the surveyor’s report of the Tower of Pisa and not installing Satnav on the Titanic. A friend of Iain Duncan Smith, architect of the system, said: ‘Iain would like to take credit for the success – but unfortunately his credit has been reduced by 30%, delayed and then redistributed to a hedge fund manager from Slough.’
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