The UK Government needs to stop whipping up hysteria about Russia potentially invading Ukraine and focus on more pressing domestic issues, Vladimir Putin has claimed, like how a mercenary was able to infiltrate Whitehall and attempt to assassinate Boris Johnson with a Victoria Sponge, or how it was possible for the Prime Minister to not realise he was at a party when it was obvious neither Jacob Rees-Mogg or Priti Patel were in attendance.
A leaked version of an explosive statement on the matter is said to have Putin accusing Tory MPs of stirring up tensions in the region in an opportunistic bid to avoid sinking in their own never-ending stream of shit, insisting that 100,000 of his troops had recently made the three hundred mile journey to from Moscow to the Ukrainian border to test their eyesight.
‘I mean,’ the Russian President is said to state in the statement, ‘If they are trying to exaggerate the situation over here in an attempt to divert attention away from themselves, how low can the people in 10 Downing Street go?’
Not very, apparently, if the reports about revellers breaking Wilf’s limbo stick are true.