Taking inspiration from the shifting ethics of the British banking sector, President Putin has agreed to withdraw troops from the border provided he can deposit seized Ukrainian assets into a Swiss Bank account. In exchange for a cessation of violence, Vladimir Putin will be given a life peerage, an offshore account and a place on the board of HSBC.
Worryingly Russian expansion has been on the rise ever since they forcibly relocated Crimea to the Cayman Islands. HMRC has offered to broker a peace deal; a spokesperson said: ‘Technically it’s not an invasion, it’s a leverage buyout – which will also involve annexing Poland as a charitable trust’.