With reparation requests for historical misdeeds currently occupying a degree of newsprint, the UK Government have taken it upon themselves to seek recompense form Norway, Sweden and Denmark for a variety of Viking slave raids here in the 9th Century.
A Downing Street source told us, “After getting an earful in Samoa, Sir Keir has rightfully decided that now might be the ideal time to get in on the act and chance our arm with our Scandinavian neighbours. If we can claim some cash back for their ancestors pillaging these shores and taking away men, women and children as slaves, we might help Rachel plug that black hole.”
Asked if Foreign Secretary David Lammy might be involved in the negotiations, due to his well-publicised ancestry, they would only say he was currently unavailable having come off the fence with a foot either side and was now in some discomfort.
The Government is understood to have consulted the Archbishop of Canterbury over the dilemma of payment for sins of the Fathers. The Archbishop, Most Rev Justin Welby, only recently discovered one of his ancestors, Sir James Fergusson, was a slave owner, and so has a unique perspective on the matter. “Let’s be honest” he told us, “the Bible has a fairly relaxed attitude to slavery, so if the Big Man is OK with it who are we to question that.” On the subject of reparations he added, “Good heavens, no! A warranted amount of public self-flagellation certainly, and then quietly move on.”