You know when you’re a political leader, or senior Government figure, and the Middle East kicks off yet again, how do you diplomatically approach the situation without busting a gut. It’s always useful to know a few lazy hacks. (see Tabloid Journalists)
Shuttle Diplomacy
Began in the early 1970s with Henry Kissinger, who, it is said, got the idea after a to and fro game of badminton. The latest exponent of this dexterous art is Anthony Blinken you’ll miss him. Essentially fly to one region, spend as little time as possible in talks with the stakeholder (see Platitudes and Buzz Words) as you can get away with, then fly to the next region, rinse and repeat. (Tip: Try and include the UAE. That Duty Free at Dubai is really something.) By the time you’ve done this several times you will receive enormous plaudits for your efforts, and, as a bonus, have substantially built up your air miles.
Direct Communication
If you do have to speak to any of the warring factions directly by phone, keep the conversation to family or the weather and don’t mention the war. If it looks as though you may be called upon for direct support rustle a paper bag, apologise and tell them they’re breaking up.
Platitudes and Buzz Words
Much of the diplomatic dark arts revolves around talking a lot but saying very little so as not to offend. There are certain words and phrases that are mandatory for this to work. Calling for a ceasefire is a sure fire winner. You sound like a peace maker and the risk of upset to any of the combatants is minimal. Mention a two state solution. Doesn’t matter if you haven’t got the faintest idea how that might be accomplished, just say it. You will also need some variation of ‘I call on all sides pull back from the brink’ in your arsenal. (Tip: You could also try ‘we are exhausting all avenues’ but that may just sound like you’re just driving around Paris)
Wringing Your Hands
This is the ultimate fallback diplomatic move. Not to be confused with Washing Your Hands (see Covid 19) You are showing concern and anxiety about the current situation but, having done so, you can then sit on your hands and put your feet up.
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