In order to calm the turmoil on international capital markets, the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has today issued the following statement to restore calm:
‘I have a plan for growth. I am not loath to deliver growth. Zero growth is both no growth and no good. I will deliver non-zero growth – you have my oath.
'There must be no digression, depression or recession, or a procession and progression of recession. I will fight recession with aggression, self-possession, the legal profession, and a positive facial expression.
'Austerity is a barbarity, but with dexterity I say, with verity and sincerity, it can become a rarity and be consigned to posterity.
'There are black books, with a black hole and red ink. There is a red wall and green crap and a yellow peril. But I have a golden rule and the white heat of technology, and I dream in colour. 14 years of Tory mismanagement left us in the shade and off colour. But soon we will be in the pink.
'The Tories bashed, lashed, mashed, smashed, thrashed and crashed the economy. The creation of inflation shocked the nation. No elation, no sensation. An inflation castration. An economic sedation. Prices rising for your vacation and your hydration and at the gas station – all causing starvation.
'So, in conclusion: taxes are going up.
'Big time.
'Soz.'