Amid intense speculation, a portrait of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has been removed from Number 10, Downing Street.
Following forensic investigation, it has emerged that the pearl necklace she wears in the painting was not created by the original artist. DNA profiling has revealed that the creator of the pearl necklace is one Alexander de Pfeffel Boris Spaffer Johnson.
'I recall a period of intense work that Mr Johnson did on that piece in his bedroom,' confirmed the Keeper of The House. There was more partying at Downing Street than the public were ever made aware of.
'Judging by the amount of grunting late into the night, my strong suspicion is that further DNA tests will uncover the identities of other Cabinet members. Jacob Rees-Mogg certainly made his own attempt at besmirching The Queen.
'At this moment it is unclear who might be responsible for the appearance of a 'Dirty Sanchez' on Tony Blair. That would require further analysis. But I don't think Liz Truss had the time or the ability.'