'Friends, criminals, countrymen. You gave me your votes as I knew you would. Thank you. I will make sure that Elon pays out. It was easy to vote for me. I bet you never thought about doing anything else. I'm so happy for you. It's going to be so good. I'll be telling you how good on social media every day.
'Crooked Hilary, Obama Bin Laden, Joe Blow and Kamala Toe never had a shot (like I did. I'm a big shot). The election was about brawn not brain, which was in my favour. My new friend Elon says I really have the X factor and that's the truth. I like him because he puts his money where my mouth is.
God made me win. He saved me from the bullets so that I could win bigly. I will pardon myself because I know you want me to, and because I know I've done nothing wrong. I will also pardon Stormy Daniels, on certain conditions. She knows what they are. But I will take righteous and mighty vengeance on the unbelievers. You know who you are.
My actions on the stolen election in 2020 have delivered a much better election in 2024, and I didn't even have to hang Chad.
I will be generous to my friends in the red states. I am proud of you boys. I love QAnon. I love Martians. But not Puerto Ricans. You know who you are. I will smite the garbage blue states until they repent, and can be healed.
I promise to be against immigrants, but for cheap labour. I will relax gun laws and denounce school shootings and assassinations. I will finish the wall, because it's the wall of the people. I will put America first after myself. America comes first because abroad is almost literally a foreign country. I will increase tariffs on imports and reduce taxes on hotels, casinos, and golf. I'll tell gas stations and supermarkets to cut prices, because climate change is made up and because you all voted for cheap stuff.
Thank you for buying my merch. The MAGA caps will stop CCTV from watching you. The gold trainers will allow you to walk on water. My books are all brilliant, and I plan to read them someday.
God bless X, God bless America, God bless me.
Image: geralt - Pixabay