Texas Governor Greg Abbott has vowed to begin busing immigrants crossing into the American state to Venus, the second planet from the Sun. Abbott is reportedly dissatisfied with the sporadically humane treatment received by immigrants he has bused to cities such as Denver and Chicago. ‘The Governor had hoped the immigrants he packed off to foul Democrat-run cities would face lives of unremitting despair,’ according to a spokesman, ‘but sadly this does not appear to have been uniformly the case.’
Abbott’s plan faces several practical challenges, perhaps the foremost being the planet’s extreme heat; the Venusian surface temperature averages 475 C. ‘This won’t be a problem,’ said the spokesman. ‘The immigrants are mostly from hot places so they should feel right at home. Let me be clear: Venus is absolutely safe.’
Another difficulty involves making ordinary intercity buses fit for travel between planets. A version of the proposed plan on the state’s website envisions the use of ‘giant slingshots’ to hurl the buses into space but admits that this technology has not yet been tested ‘at scale.’ The absence of breathable air in the interplanetary void could pose a further impediment to success, although Abbott’s office downplayed this concern. ‘The so-called lack of oxygen in space is an exaggeration by the same woke snowflakes who said COVID was dangerous,’ the governor’s spokesman said. ‘And in any case, we will be equipping each immigrant with a high-quality and totally not defective at all oxygen mask.’
Migrant advocacy organizations denounced the plan, although the representative of one group tried to see the bright side. ‘No one wants to be sent to Venus,’ she said, ‘but it beats the hell out of Texas.’
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