The Middle East is experiencing heightened tensions today after the targeted assassination of Abdul Abulbul Amir, much loved leader of his people.
Though no actor has officially claimed responsibility, few doubt the killing was ordered by Amir’s ancient rival, Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.
The feud between the two is thought to date back to a disagreement about the drinking of beer, with Skavar thinking it best in a straight glass while sat in a chair with the ladies, whilst Amir as a Muslim considered alcohol and other intoxicants “haram” and “the work of Satan”.
Whatever the original casus belli, the two have been skirmishing for as long as anyone can remember, using arcane weapons such as blunderbusses and bicycles hanging from balloons.
Fears this conflict may develop into warfare with modern weapons were averted when trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney flew in and asked whether they wouldn’t prefer a Bud Light, causing both sides to realise they hate Mulvaney far more than they hate each other.