With the new Government’s brutal withdraw of the £200 or £300 survival payment, surely this will mean bodies piling up in the streets this winter, and not in the good way like Boris Johnson said.
As fair and balanced tabloids search for stories of desperate frail old ladies who are now going to only be able to use a single candle to survive over winter, it turns out that not all old people will be culled.
Some early attempts of interviewing elderly professional complainers sounded promising, with tales of eating or heating come September. Unfortunately, sympathy drops somewhat when they casually drop in the fact that they live in a £350,000 house they fully own.
Then amid all the tales of sad pensioners tearing up their golf membership in front of cameras, or silver foxes looking forlornly at Cruise prices, a true unicorn shit of a story appears.
Enid McFrail (92), who rents a one-bedroom hovel in the village of Lower Desperation, ticks all the pity boxes. Because of her work with a local Special Needs Charity, earns just enough to deny her the £300 this year and even has a walking stick and sad eyes.
Unfortunately, the tabloid induced outrage has highlighted her situation and the GoFundMe has already smashed the £301 target; and she now has just bought a yellow Porsche.
Image: Pixabay/Frantisek_