In the wake of fears that Iran might be about to take drastic action against Israel, British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has been deputised to phone Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian.
It’s understood Starmer doesn’t really have any compelling arguments to employ, it’s just hoped he will put his opposite number to sleep before Pezeshkian does anything rash.
'At a time like this, it’s vital that all parties involved act with cool heads, resolving their differences via negotiation rather than conflict' Starmer told a room full of journalists in a soft soothing voice. 'I hope that Britain and Iran will continue to enjoy warm and cordial relations, strengthening our long-standing bonds of friendship. I hope that you are feeling very sleepy and I hope that Iran forget that time in 1953 when we overthrew their democratically elected government to protect our oil interests. It's fine. It's probably fine.'
He was about to embark on a second paragraph when one of his aides noticed that the last journalist was asleep, and said 'Right, we’re ready, get the Shah of Persia on the phone - I fancy a lamb shashlik.'
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