Much to his surprise, the new PM has discovered most criminal activity happens within an one mile radius of No.10. Explained one police officer: 'If you want a deviant or an embezler, just visit the House of Commons tea rooms.'
Bribery and corruption are standard, although Ministers have the good grace to make it tax deductible. Frustratingly for Starmer the courts are at breaking point, but he has had the genius idea to ennoble the worst offenders and use the Lords as a low-security prison.
Thanks to tip offs from Sir Keir, Interpol are on the look out for a notorious fraudster, with links to sex trafficking and war crimes. In other news Peter Mandelson has fled to Uruguay.