'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today. 'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.
Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out. Pronto. They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.
'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts. Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.
One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman. 'Did you not hear the bit about the cane? We're talking Tories here,' he said.
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