Sir Keir Starmer today addressed the Trades Union Congress, asking them “Anything else I can do for you?”
He began by asking them if they’d enjoyed the recent huge pay raise for train drivers, before adding, “But don’t go thinking that’s the end of it. I’m sure we can find more money if there’s anything else you need?
“Because I’ve been looking at the benefits bill, and frankly I’m sure there’s a lot of fat we could trim there. This carers’ allowance for the visually impaired, for example - they probably wouldn’t even notice if we scrapped it! And even if they did, without a carer, how are they going to vote against us?”
He then retreated from the podium, repeatedly bowing and saying “Salaam,” taking care not to turn his back on the audience.
”Well I’m not happy,” said Dave Thugg of the Seatwarmers and Clockwatchers Union. “Not a single mention of that cheese sandwich I bought from Marks the other day that was a bit stale. Right lads, all out!”