'We've had a hell of a time trying to piece this together,' Special Agent Dirk Dimly told reporters, mopping his brow with the end of his nylon tie. 'I mean, how the hell do you end up with six dead assassins littered around a golf course and a totally unscathed presidential candidate?
'We figure that Assassin A - a member of the Millennial Snowflakes Terror Army - took a shot at Candidate Trump from the grassy knoll on the fifth fairway, directly south-west of him, while the candidate was busy kicking his ball out of the rough.
'Assassin A narrowly missed Mr Trump but shot dead Assassin B, from Pacifist Students Islamic Jihad, who had been perched directly north-east of Mr Trump on another grassy knoll at the dogleg on the seventeenth.
'At precisely the same moment that Assassin A fired, Assassin B happened to loose off a burst of bullets from an Armalite.
'All these missed Trump but struck Assassin A, as well as Assassins C and D. They were members of the New Dworkin Shining Path Liberals Liberation Front and had been waiting in line behind Assassin A for their turn to fire.
'Assassin E, from the Militant Church of Latter Day Morons, had set up a mortar on yet another grassy knoll - to the south-east corner of the twelfth green - and took aim at Candidate Trump as he tossed his opponent's ball into a bunker.
'Wondering why the shell he had dropped down the barrel hadn't shot off, Assassin E peered inside. This resulted in his head and shoulders flying on a north-westerly axis over the candidate's head to a spot near the ninth tee, where Mr Trump's bodyguards were on a coffee break.
'Assassin F may have been an ordinary golfer and not an assassin at all, but the Secret Service shot him anyway when they saw him on a grassy knoll just above the eighteenth green. They suspected him of trying to plant a miniature white bomb in the hole by chipping it in there.
'We're now advising Candidate Trump to play on a golf course with fewer grassy knolls," said Special Agent Dimly. 'They're always riddled with goddamned assassins.'
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