Evidence has emerged that the havoc wrecked upon the UK’s gardens, by severe gales, may have been premeditated. From their lair, on the dark side of the moon, evil fencing masterminds have aimed a weather ray-gun at the Earth. This secret device can create a gust of wind, so powerful, that it can level an area 5ft by 5ft – destroying hanging baskets, dislodging any wrought-iron heron and leaving your begonias in a state of carnage.
The bloody reputation of The Cartel has led to many a gardener waking up in bed next to a decapitated garden gnome. Your average storm can lead to months of regular work, for any two-man panelling team; with a monopoly on dip-treated, overlap panels of illegally trafficked Colombian lattice. Unsurprisingly the Cartel has won the tender for Trump’s border wall – having opted for a four-foot-high tongue and groove, with trellis for a rose bush.
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