His lawyer explained: 'My client has an horrendous record of evil doing, coupled with countless tirades of hate speech, but in joining the Labour Party he is absolved of all prior wrong-doing. Who cares if he has spent his entire working life chopping up children, we need to forgive and forget, and accept him as the new Shadow Minister for Schools.'
An undistinguished list of right-wing nut jobs have recently abandoned the Tory Party for Labour, in the hope of finding kindred spirits. Said one MP: 'I'm an anti-imigrant, Brexiteer, with shares in oil, arms and strangling puppies. If anything I'm too woke for Labour.'
Starmer has said he would welcome with open arms any politician, provided they can stop frothing at the mouth for two seconds. The killer admitted: 'I don't really know much about politics, I just like murdering stuff. But I felt right at home when Sir Keir explained his policy on Gaza.'