In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.
Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."
"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."
Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."
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