Repeated accounts of the macabre after-effects of botched surgeries have resulted in a surge of interest in medical tourism to the Bosphorous nation, once famed for inspiring tragic comedian Tommy Cooper but enjoying a resurgence in popularity for its ample new tits and hair. In 2024, more than thousands of plucky, desperate, uninformed Brits Easy-Jetted it over to Turkey for a variety of ops, ranging from buttock enroundment to follicular acupuncture, in the hope of looking more sexually attractive in the English rain.
But dreams were frequently left shattered. Unqualified doctors, an absence of clinical sanitation, and a lack of soft, perfumed toilet paper are just some of the grim facts of life for the average medical tourist out for a budget scalpel makeover.
A woman who had breast implant surgery reported that although she left the clinic seemingly fitted with new breasts, within 24 hours they had deflated. ‘The whole thing was a con. My implants were actually just air. They pumped me up like two footballs,’ she wept controllably. ‘Now I can’t get a refund because it turns out the clinic was made of white cardboard. When I went back, there was just a donkey tethered to a post.’ Following news of the story, the non-existent clinic was inundated with inquiries from Brits eager to get the op.
A Welshman offered up his horror story of a hair transplant gone wrong. ‘I was amazed when I woke up to find my formerly bald head covered in medium-length, wiry, gingery hairs. I couldn’t believe the new hair had appeared so fast. Then when I went to the toilet, I saw that all my pubic hair had gone. The doctor had…’ he trailed off, emasculated. Subsequent to that news getting out, the Ankara Mop Top Hair Rejuvenation Center is fully booked for the next year.
A middle aged woman from Seaton-on-the-Rhyme flew out to southern Turkey for forehead augmentation last week only to return with an extra finger, while a man who sought butt reassignment following the harrowing death of his benefits application returned to his homeless pitch in Peterborough with petrified knees. ‘He just squats on his cardboard all day saying, ‘Me knees are killing me, me knees are killing me,’ reported a local observer, giggling.
Despite warnings from medical authorities that the risks of seeking out cosmetic procedures from unqualified treatment centres are potentially life-changing, those we spoke to remain undaunted. ‘I’ve heard that these operations can be life-changing,’ said one grandmother from Skeg. ‘I’m going to Istanbul on the 15th to get my eyes swapped.’