Prince Andrew is enduring hard times. He’s been booted off charity boards, cited in awkward legal cases, banned from public engagements, and is about to be evicted from the Royal Lodge in Windsor, leaving him homeless.
However, the resourceful Prince is planning to bounce back, and has a new scheme to make himself enough money for rent and, ideally, a security detail.
Following the example of other disgraced royals (by which we mean Harry and Meghan), he plans to launch his own lifestyle brand. The working title is believed to be York Riviera Orchard. This is an unimaginative copy of Meghan’s company. York Riviera is believed to refer to the parts of York that flood when the River Ouse bursts its banks.
A range of internet domains have recently been registered by an offshore company called Noddy Hates Big Ears Limited. These include yorkrivieraorchard.com, therealyorkrivieraorchard.com, and yorkrivieraorchardhatesyoudad.com.
The first products to be offered are rumoured to include frozen pizzas, which will have a trademark stuffed crust and a very thin topping. It’s thought unlikely that Prince Andrew will make these himself. There will also be a range of personal care products, including ‘the world’s most effective antiperspirant’. The company has no immediate plans to sell jam, but an insider told us that there may be jam tomorrow.
Andrew is also believed to be working with a ghostwriter on a Christmas book, provisionally titled ‘How Not To Be Royal’.