Younger readers will not realise that pre-Internet the only way to access pornography was to put on your wellies and get on your hands and knees. Ironically being on your hands and knees in wellies, is now a profitable OnlyFans genre. Your hope, as you navigated a local copse, was that some kindly pervert had left discarded pages. The erotic equivalent of a food bank, or a 'wank bank', if you will.
Quite why someone who had purchased a magazine felt the need to tear out pages, remained a mystery. It was if the reader could not grasp the concept of re-readability or a bin. Now, however, Santa has confessed it was him: 'January to November is a quiet time for me, so I thought - what other kinds of gifts could I distribute, to put a smile on children's faces. I say children, it was very specifically boys aged 13 to 16.
'I had in the infrastructure in place to magically be in all woods at once. I didn't even need a naughty and nice list, we knew all the boys were on the naughty list - and didn't give a shit. Your average teenager doesn't wamt to hear Ho Ho Ho, he wants to see her. He wants to come down her chimney and empty his sack. Magically covering his bed room in a white and sticky Christmas residue.
'Be honest, you always assumed it was an old man leaving pages, well you were right. And it couldn't have been the Tooth Fairy, when not collecting teeth, he takes all the used socks that the boys have soiled. It was either him or your Mum, and I think we both agree, to save embarrassment, we would rather believe in the Tooth Fairy.'