Sir Kier Starmer is stockpiling Labour members after fears of a leadership shortage in the party.
Reports of a lack of leadership in the party have circulated for a couple of years, but the shortage is said to have reached crisis point, with sources suggesting that the Labour leader has turned to storing his own supplies in a large venue in Brighton.
However, sceptics have suggested that the crisis is manufactured. “In fact, there is plenty of leadership in the Labour Party", said one insider. "Leaders of the hard left faction, the moderate left faction, the centrist faction, the neo-Blairite faction, Momentum, the moderate right faction and loads of trade union leaders."
“People also talk about there being a shortage of an effective opposition at the moment and that is nonsense as well,” the party insider added. “Most of these factions oppose each other – in fact, many of them actually oppose Sir Kier’s leadership”.
The news comes as a blow, on the back of widely publicised shortages of policies within the Labour Party. Whilst many brilliant, revolutionary policies are reported to exist, they frustratingly remain sealed and locked securely in air-tight containers, stacked up in a far-distant warehouse in La-La Land.
"It's all about blockages in the supply chain", said one insider. " Policies keep getting stuck in the party bureaucratic machinery, and there's no-one competent enough to present them to to an enraptured public at conference anyway, in order for us to inevitably complete a massive landslide victory in the next general election".
Political experts urged members of the public to remain calm, and that they expect the supply of Labour members around the UK and policies to normalise somewhat over the coming days, as Starmer’s leadership continues to stagger slowly along.
StanleyMizaru and Titus