The Conservative Membership have rejected the cream of dismal incompetents on offer to lead their Party in favour of a large, inflatable middle digit.
'This will say all we need to say,' explained Marjory Pitchfork, 73, and leader of the Young Conservatives. 'During the harridan Rachel Reeves' Budget speech, we employed the services of the loudest, clankiest old diesel generator to drown her out while our Middle Finger Of Glory slowly inflated.
'It sends out a clear message to this disastrous Labour government and the entire country that we are to be taken seriously. The Finger will represent our thinking on all matters of national importance in the House of Commons, and will stand with pre-inflated pride during PMQs, on BBC Question Time, and when delivering speeches at Party Conference. Hail to our new and Glorious Master, who will lead us into the next general election and become our beloved prime minister.'
'I might have found it distracting,' responded Chancellor Rachel Reeves, 'but they ordered an inflatable thumb instead of a middle finger.
'I'll take that.'
The Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer added, 'Once they recognised their error, they did replace the thumb with a middle finger. Thus far, however, I have not been intimidated. That is largely because they keep inflating it the wrong way round.
'Ed Miliband finds it quite arousing, actually.'