Following the announcement by Gillian Keegan, Education Secretary that she would probably have punched an Ofsted inspector if they’d been rude to her, the agency has taken the unusual step of training its inspectors in martial arts.
‘Ms Keegan is known to be a bit touchy’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve advised our inspectors to tell her that she’s doing a “bloody good job” if they ever meet her. At the same time they should follow their training – keep a safe distance, adopt a small stance with hands ready and scan the room for anything which could be used as an improvised weapon’.
The likelihood of an inspector actually meeting Ms Keegan is tiny – that would require her to visit a school – but there are fears that some headteachers might take the comment as a green light to take out their frustrations on visiting inspectors.
‘Our insurance premiums have trebled’, the spokesman said. ‘Between crumbling school buildings and homicidal secretaries of state we’re paying a fortune in insurance. I only entered the profession because I saw an old St Trinian’s movie. The reality is nothing like that. Might go back to working the doors on nightclubs. Much safer’.
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