In the event of Biblical flooding or a Hard Brexit - whichever plague comes first - the UK Government can only fund one large Croydon-based Ark. Noah himself will captain the vessel and boasts 500 years of experience, but is wary of navigating his way through any congestion charges.
Post-flood, it will fall to Londoners to be fruitful and replenish the earth, but naturally this will put pressure of school places in the Islington area. The bearded Patriarch insisted: 'I will still be taking two of every Liberal Elite. But there's no room for London cyclists - for they are cursed to forever go on two wheels and act morally superior, despite being d$cks'.
The Environment Agency has been accused of abandoning the rest of the country, but in their defence, so has God.
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