Researchers into the NHS have identified that the increased waiting lists are not directly linked to the ongoing doctor strikes, as suggested by the government, but into the constant stream of self-inflicted injuries by Conservative MPs over the last 14 years.
'We thought the high spot was Brexit,' said a trauma doctor today. 'Self-harm on a national scale is unusual and led to multiple issues for the NHS despite the carrot of £350 million a week being dangled, but it has been eclipsed many times over,' he added.
'Rishi Sunak's much vaunted Eat Out to Kill More People was a doody, eclipsing slightly the PPE shortage created by ignoring the WHO warnings while encouraging people to mingle at international football matches and huge horse racing meetings.
'But more recently we've seen a major increase in hypertension, heart attacks and burst blood vessels over flights to Rwanda, Bibby Stockholm and anything that came out of Lee Anderson's mouth until he defected to reform. Now Reform has to take some responsibility,' said the doctor.
A government spokesman denied the issue was with them. 'Unless Angela Rayner pays back the £1500 tax experts suggest she doesn't owe then heart attacks, heightened blood pressure and spontaneous frothing at the mouth will continue to rise,' he said. 'Everything that is wrong in the UK is Labour's fault,' he added. 'It's their fault they've been in opposition for fourteen years, it's not like we made their job of winning difficult!'