Next Pope to be chosen by Simon Cowell

The smoke from the Vatican is normally from all the burning records that the previous Pope was trying to cover up. The real selection is by a 'Conclave', which is Latin for Variety Show.

Traditionally the Pope was chosen by doves, or painted pigeons if cheaper. The candidates would cover themselves in breadcrumbs and then the doves would shit on their favourite. Finally the doves would be released, having pecked to death the losers.

In these enlightened times, each wannabe Pope has to say how they would bring about world peace, while been ogled by a bunch of lecherous old men. The exhaustive process will culminate in a Cardinal sing-off and swimwear round. The winner gets to be in any boy band they want and any choir boy they fancy.

image from pixabay