New theme park in Bedford to celebrate the ‘Best of British'
- deskpilot
- 20 hours ago
- 2 min read
Plans for the new theme park near Bedford have been exclusively leaked today to over thirty news outlets, for publicity reasons.
The park will celebrate Roger Bannister’s four-minute mile with a mile long path from the car park to the front gates. Queues will be very long, but well-organised. Waiting visitors will be entertained by morris dancers and mime artists, who will be set upon and chased away by football hooligans and right wing protestors. In the British spirit of tolerance and acceptance, only the gays will actually be hurt.
Once inside, visitors can enjoy the Great British Food Zone, the Sport Zone, a therapeutic ‘Moan Zone’ and a truly unbelievable rollercoaster called the Trussinator.
The Food Zone will include all the usual British staples – pizza, curry, stir-fry, bar-b-q and tacos. All the food will be served with precisely calibrated indifference, and will be horrendously overpriced.
The Sport Zone will celebrate the country’s athletic achievements in darts, bar billiards, the boat race (Britain are undisputed world champions), cribbage, bat and trap, the Eton wall game, marbles, tiddlywinks and real tennis. The History zone will celebrate our great sporting wins such as the 1966 World Cup, Virginia Wade’s 1977 Wimbledon win, and the Battle of Hastings.
Daily shows will feature re-enactments of the miners’ strike, with visitors able to join in with the miners or the police, as they choose.
Other attractions will include the museum of Great British Engineering, with displays about Offa’s Dyke, Hadrian’s Wall, the Mini Metro and the Dyson hand drier.
The biggest and most popular attraction will be the Trussinator, a scary roller-coaster that takes visitors for a ride before letting them down at the end. Visitors will be able to pay £10 to avoid being photographed with Liz Truss. The attraction will be open for 49 days each year.
Construction work is due to be completed by 2031, and the grand opening has therefore been booked in for 2037.