In 2024, statistics have revealed, police shockingly spent more time fighting crime than they did dancing in large, plastic sunglasses at carnivals. For the first time this millennium, officers logged more hours conducting searches for criminals than doing the bojangle on an August Wednesday afternoon in W10. The news has been greeted with outrage across the cultural world.
‘We still have a long way to go,’ remarked a carnival organizer, ‘before the police of this country realize that their first priority is to grind uncomfortably against the rear end of a large lady bent over in front of them.’ The organizer was referring to the dance style of ‘daggering’ in which the male dancer rams his crotch area into the female dancer’s buttocks, paradoxically enhancing their esteem in the public view. Only male police officers are permitted to participate, though they may choose either role.
The police were founded by Sir Robert Peel with the specific remit to ‘let loose at all public assemblies where music be played loudethly.’ But critics are now accusing them of what is being termed dancestitutional racism. ‘This country clearly has a dancestitutionally racist police force,’ said one community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘What we want to see at a carnival is the police on their own float, with officers dressed in rainbow skin-tight leotards slithering manically up and down poles, as little children watch from the kerbside.’
Some have gone further. Another community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson has demanded that the police institute their own carnival. ‘There should be a 16 day event held annually in either Birmingham or London at which every single police officer in the country attends with badge number visible. To prove themselves true protectors of all communities they must then take ket and grind until they require medical attention. This would significantly reduce crime.’
But would it make the police less dancestitutionally racist? ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ said the community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘Due to inequalities in the structure of dance, the police are and will always remain dancestitutionally racist.’
Picture credit: Wix AI