New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment

Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.

'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.

Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.

In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.