With Amazon’s acquisition of the creative rights to the James Bond franchise, it was revealed today that CEO Jeff Bezos intends to take revenge on his great rival Elon Musk by basing the next Bond villain on him.
'There is precedent for this,' said an Amazon spokesman. 'It’s no secret that the evil prince in Shrek was designed to look like Disney CEO Michael Eisner.
'But in this case - though we’re not ruling out casting an actor with a fat face and freakishly large puppet head - it will be more about satirising Musk’s personality.
'The villain, provisionally named Noel Aroma, will be a maverick businessman who uses his influence to get close to a particularly dumb American president, who for the moment we’re calling Danny Fart.
'By offering to take some of the more difficult aspects of government off the president’s hands, Aroma worms his way into the heart of Washington and gains completely unfettered power, in exactly the way Bezos would like to but hasn’t yet managed,” concluded the spokesman, before wondering whether he was supposed to read out that last bit.
Leaked details suggest that Bond will be helped in his efforts to bring down the evil super villain by Aroma's ex-girlfriend Jade Listened, embittered that he had the sense not to marry her.
'I mean, look at me - I’m super hot, right?' she wails. 'Sure, I shit the bed once in a while, but what’s that compared to looking like this? And it’s not like he had to wash the sheets himself.”
The climactic scene will see Bond confront Aroma in his space station, from which he plans to launch a virus that will kill everyone on Earth with a normal-sized head.
'As for the ending, we might have Bond preventing the launch just in time,' said the spokesman. 'Or we could just have the rocket blow up when he tries to launch it - this is Elon Musk, after all.'
Picture credit: Wix AI