Following the revelation that Kemi Badenoch "won't touch moist bread", bakers and garden centres have reported a surge in demand for a) bread and b) water sprays.
Ron Jenkins** of Clacton, speaking from behind a wall of Warburtons with a sprinkler system rigged over it, voiced the country's concerns. "If I'd known it was this simple to keep her away, I'd have done this years ago. I'm getting a few dozen loaves delivered each day now so I rarely have to risk going out. Unfortunately, I do have to visit the doctors after suggesting to Mrs Jenkins that I gave her baps a rub down with a damp flannel."
**Mr Jenkins is from 1976.