After the high stakes disaster porn of Covid, Trump, Brexit, Ukraine and Gaza, the nation was reassured today to return to the comforting familiarity of grade inflation stories.
'It’s like hearing the theme music to Wimbledon, or the Met Office’s annual prediction of a ‘barbecue summer’ that never arrives,' said one commuter, looking up from his newspaper. 'It reminds you that there’ll always be an England, and some things will never change.'
'I suppose on some level it’s not good that kids are getting an A grade just for turning up for the exam on the right day, and an A star if they know their name as well… But I don’t care. It’s just so reassuring to read that story every year. Whenever I see it, I know it’s time to renew my home insurance and get the car serviced.'
He then admitted that he always buys the Telegraph on what he calls 'fruity girls' day, a reference to that newspaper’s tradition of illustrating the annual A-level results story with a picture of the prettiest girls it can find opening their results, which he insisted was quality journalism and not creepy at all.