The story of the mid-air clash between Millwall’s Liam Roberts and Crystal Palace’s Jean-Philippe Mateta last week took a darker turn today, when slow motion footage revealed that in addition to sending him straight to hospital with a season-ending injury that could have been much worse, the goalkeeper had also kissed the striker without consent.
“We thought he’d simply flown at Mateta with his boots at head height and studs out,” said an FA official. “Certainly the damage to Mateta’s ear, which required 25 stitches, suggested that’s what happened, though fortunately there was no concussion or damage to the cervical spine which could have resulted in permanent paralysis.
“However, close examination of the VAR footage revealed that Roberts also took the opportunity to get in a cheeky peck.
“This is clearly a much more serious offence than we realised. Naturally we’d like to retract any statements we may have made suggesting it’s all just part of the rough and tumble of what is, after all, a very physical game, and doesn’t require any action beyond the red card Roberts was given at the time. We now realise this is a matter for criminal prosecution, and quite possibly the reintroduction of the death penalty.”
For his part, Roberts said he was simply trying to repair the reputation of his team for being homophobic, racist thugs with a playing style that owes more to cagefighting than football. And what better way to do that than by kissing a black player on the opposing team?
“Honestly, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” sighed Roberts, as he relaxed on a daybed with a cup of Earl Grey and a sponge finger. “I just don’t understand this modern world, I don’t really.”
image from pixabay