Millions of God-fearing Christians from around the planet, but predominantly located in the mid-west of the United States, have woken up on the ninth of April disappointed to realise that not only have they woken up but the much-publicised Rapture has failed to happen.
Some have blamed it on the eclipse, pointing out that the moon is in an advanced waning crescent phase, almost a new moon. 'If the moon is virtually invisible, how can it block out the sun?' asked a God-fearing red-neck from Little Rock, which was perfectly aligned with the eclipse route. 'If that didn't confuse God, what would?' he asked. Another red-neck decided the recent move to daylight saving time caused complications. 'Rapture probably did happen, but the clocks were different and God decided to reschedule,' he suggested.
Christians of a certain persuasion are keen to learn the new projected date for the end of all mankind. Many are growing sceptical as there have been around thirty 'Raptures' in most middle-aged persons lives. The US Government has admitted that the failure of the Rapture, again, truly is a disappointment. It means the people who expected to wake up dead will still be around to vote for Donald Trump, which is likely to be a fate far worse.