Sentient tin of corned beef Piers Morgan made headlines again this week for criticising Greta Gerwig’s “Barbie,” the box office hit which subverted expectations for having depth and heart beneath its hot pink exterior.
‘It should have been about how great men are,’ Piers harrumphed. ‘If I made a gender swapped Barbie I’d be crucified. I mean, imagine if I made a movie where I cast Margot Robbie as a sexy accessory to the male protagonist. Imagine if all she did was look hot while her husband was an ambitious tycoon who’s wildly successful at his job. The feminists would riot!’
In response to Piers’ hurt feelings, Mattel have released a statement announcing that a bespoke Piers Morgan doll “Moaning Morgan” is now in development and set to hit shelves before the end of the year.
‘We really broke the mould with this one,’ a Mattel spokesperson tells us. ‘We had to completely remodel Barbie’s face to really capture Piers’ florid wattle. His little balloon knot of a mouth proved particularly challenging; we’re used to working on a small scale, but we had to get paintbrushes made especially. Thank God our dolls don’t have genitals.’
The doll will come equipped with multiple accessories, including a miniature copy of the Daily Mail, a raw leg of beef, and a dartboard with a picture of Meghan Markle on it. Taking notes from the 2010 “Video Girl” Barbie, which was pulled from shelves due to hacking concerns, Moaning Morgan will come equipped with an embedded screen that connects to your phone, so you can tweet racial epithets straight from the doll’s mouth.
‘We hope that by giving him this dolly to play with, it will distract him enough to stop him from crying,' Mattel tells us.