Markets soar as Trump not doing stupid thing yet

The FTSE, Nikkei and Hang Seng indices all soared yesterday on the news that Donald Trump has temporarily paused his plan to implement tariffs on imports to America.

“It’s like the first day of Spring combined with meeting the love of your life and winning the lottery, all on the same day,” said market analyst Jeremy Wonk. “Imagine, it might be as much as three months before Trump drives the world economy off a cliff and we all end up living in mud huts, subsisting on nuts and berries.

“If Wordsworth were alive today, he’d say t'was bliss in this dawn to be alive, but to be a commodities broker was very heaven.

“Of course, it would be nice if we had some actual good news to celebrate, rather than just bad news being put off for a while, but frankly we’ll take what we can get. I suppose there’s the fact that he’ll be gone in 2028, but somehow I believe that less every time I say it.”