In yet another swingeing cost-cutting move, Manchester United have fired their entire football department and replaced it with an AI chatbot. ‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe believes that the new chatbot will incrementally enhance the marginal gains produced in every phase of organizational endeavor up and down the value chain,’ said a club statement. Calls inquiring whether the statement itself was written by AI went unanswered.
The chatbot may not be fully prepared to take on all of the football department’s responsibilities, according to club sources. ‘Yesterday, when asked what direction the squad should take, the chatbot advised hiring Jose Mourinho, bringing in Antony, and suing to obtain half of Rock of Gibraltar’s stud rights,’ said one knowledgeable insider. ‘So, yes, we clearly still have some distance to travel.’ The source said the aim was to have the chatbot in ‘something approximating working order’ prior to the summer transfer window.
Man U’s football department ‘has admittedly not performed well over the last decade,’ said Alfred Newman, Assistant Professor of Obvious Football-Related Statements at the University of Manchester. ‘But to go in with both feet on AI will be difficult for an organisation not renowned for its advanced thinking.’ Newman said that Man U should consider ‘first utilizing an algorithmic decision-making device of a more basic nature, like, say, a dart board.’
The football department's demise comes as the team continues to struggle under manager Ruben Amorim. The Portuguese encountered more heavy seas this week after he reportedly advocated loading his squad onto a rocket and firing it into the sun. According to a team source, Amorim later acknowledged that he regretted saying ‘the sun part.’